Are We Raising Kids Who Know How to Be Friends?
Over the past two weeks at Port City Church we've talked about two subjects that might seem unrelated at first glance: parenting and friendship. But the more I've thought about it, the more convinced I've become that they're deeply connected. As parents, one of our primary goals is not simply to raise successful kids. Our goal is to raise mature disciples of Jesus. And part of that discipleship journey involves learning how to build meaningful relationships.
In a recent article and in his book The Anxious Generation, Jonathan Haidt argues that today's children have experienced a dramatic shift from a play-based childhood to a phone-based childhood. Many kids spend less time exploring neighborhoods, solving problems with friends, and navigating conflict on their own, and more time interacting through screens. Haidt argues that this loss of free play and independence has come with significant consequences for social and emotional development.
Whether you agree with every aspect of his argument or not, it's hard to deny that something has changed. When I was growing up (and playing stick race down at the local creek), friendships were often forged on bikes, ball fields, and in backyards. We learned how to share, apologize, compromise, and resolve conflict because we had to. There weren't adults standing nearby to solve every problem.
Friendship was a skill we practiced.
Today many kids are more connected than ever, yet many seem lonelier than ever. And if we're honest, adults aren't doing much better. This past Sunday we looked at Jesus' words in John 15 where he tells his disciples: "I have called you friends."
What struck me as I studied this passage is that Jesus doesn't simply offer friendship as a nice bonus feature of the Christian life. Friendship is woven into God's design for humanity. After all, friendship didn't begin with us. Before there was a world, the Father loved the Son, the Son delighted in the Father, and the Spirit shared in that eternal fellowship. We were created in the image of a relational God.
That means friendship isn't optional. It's part of what it means to be human. Which brings me back to parenting. One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is not merely safety. It's the opportunity to learn how to build relationships.
That means creating space for friendships. It means resisting the temptation to schedule every moment of their lives. It means helping them navigate conflict instead of rescuing them from it. It means teaching them how to apologize, forgive, include others, and take relational risks. In short, it means helping them become the kind of people who can love others well.
Because one day our children will need more than achievements and accomplishments. They'll need friends. Friends who encourage them. Friends who challenge them. Friends who point them toward Jesus. The kind of gospel friendships we talked about this past Sunday. And perhaps one of the best ways we can help our children build those friendships is by modeling them ourselves.
After all, our kids don't just learn friendship from what we teach. They learn friendship from what they see. So here's a question worth considering: Are we raising kids who know how to make friends, keep friends, and be friends?
And maybe an equally important question: Are we becoming those kinds of friends ourselves?
Pastor Jeremy
